Nicole Christie | Reflections on Grief and the Enduring Impact of Those We’ve Lost
Nicole reflects on the nonlinear nature of grief, and how it comes and goes, during this heartfelt episode that coincides with the 10th anniversary of her dear friend Michele’s passing. She talks about how grief never ends, but shape-shifts, and shares some of her cherished memories with Michele and the profound impact her friend still has on her life. Nicole also offers comfort and advice to listeners grappling with grief of their own. Her tribute to Michele underscores the lasting influence of loved ones and the significance of remembering them through the many facets of grieving.
Show Notes:
Connect with Nicole on Instagram
The Cottages of Napa Valley, where Nicole and Michele stayed during their Napa weekend
Zuzu’s line from “It’s a Wonderful Life” that Nicole references: "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings"
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Nicole: [00:00:03] Welcome to Here For Me, a podcast about the power of choosing yourself. I'm Nicole Christie, and I'm honored you're joining me for stories and conversations about life's disruptions, derailments, and transitions.
On this podcast, we talk about navigating challenges, walking through fire and along the way learning to show up for ourselves. Because, just as we say “I'm here for you” to show we care for someone, saying “I'm here for me” to ourselves is the best form of self-care.
This episode is for all of you grappling with grief, particularly the loss of a loved one. Because it feels like there are so many of you riding this complicated, emotional roller coaster.
It's probably not news to anyone that grief isn't linear, that it arrives in all shapes and forms, and that it comes and goes. Even a decade later, it can still hit you, though I find at that point it's more heartwarming than heart wrenching.
This has been on my mind as we approach the 10th anniversary of my dear friend Michele's passing. Many of us who loved her when she was on this side, and love her on the other side, still talk about her, remember her, and feel her.
I felt called to share about grief and Michele in this episode because she recently stopped by, as she often does in the form of Toad the Wet Sprocket's “Something's Always Wrong.” It was one of her favorite songs, and whenever it makes an appearance on shuffle, I never skip it.
Nicole: [00:01:41] Instead, I smile and say out loud, or in my heart depending on where I am, “Hey Michele, I miss you sis.”
She and this song joined me on my beach walk today, and I thought of all the people who were grieving. It took me back to the day in 2014 when we lost her, and a piece I wrote that night after trying unsuccessfully to sleep. Words were swirling in my head, as they do when I need to process something or inspiration is striking.
At 1:30 in the morning, I finally sat up and said, “Okay, Michele, you want me to write?” So I did. I brought my laptop into bed and this is what flowed from my heart to my fingertips.
The world got a new angel tonight. In case you felt a shift in the heavens, a change in the winds, a rumble in the earth beneath your feet, that was my friend Michele exiting this world peacefully and landing on the other side with a bang. I'm sure she's already forming teams, developing strategies and leading the troops, proudly sporting a bold golden halo. One of the few comforts in losing her is my belief that her gift for taking charge with tons of energy, a big heart, and radiant smile was more needed elsewhere. I'm not sure what that means or what it looks like: heaven, reincarnation, dust to dust.
Nicole: [00:03:05] But it's the only way I can make sense of why someone so larger than life is no longer with us. Michele was my colleague, client, and friend for 14 years. She was a master connector. Everyone I've met through her is so extraordinary, I’ve often wondered how she found them all.
She was a magnet for light and greatness because she so embodied it herself. She was a powerhouse in business. She was fiercely protective of her siblings and went to the ends of the earth for them. She was devoted beyond measure to her husband and his family, sometimes in superhuman ways I don't know I could ever achieve.
And to me and everyone who knew her, she was a loyal and generous friend. Many years ago, I told her—and I'm so glad I did—that she was the catalyst for many of the turning points in my life. Things that were key to not just my growth, but my survival.
She made the connection that led to the job that took me to New York. She opened the door for me as a Microsoft consultant. She hired me as a consultant. When Michele said shit, people listened and it was an honor to have her in my corner.
It's no exaggeration that I've been able to keep food on the table because of her. She even set me up on a couple of dates when it became clear I was capable of nothing other than driving a wrecking ball into my personal life.
Nicole: [00:04:29] She put thought into her matchmaking efforts carefully considering whether someone was a good fit for me. Although the matches didn't pan out, I was grateful. It was more her gesture than the guys that mattered.
In December 2010, Michele and I took our first and sadly only trip together, journeying to Napa for a long weekend. We stayed in a lovely cottage where a basket of Bouchon Bakery goodies was dropped on our doorstep every morning. Michele was patient with all my quirky OCD rituals and prepared coffee for me, though she didn't drink it herself.
Over the course of the weekend we drank too much wine, laughed too hard, and got lost in the hills on a dark, foggy night, taking turns shitting bricks and uttering words of encouragement. We blamed the GPS Michele had brought along, and after nearly driving off at least one cliff, we made it back to town and decided that Barbara, the GPS voice, was an incompetent bitch and fired her immediately.
We sat in a restaurant parking lot auditioning the other options, and settled on Daniel, who was Australian and sounded super hot. That is one of my favorite memories, not just of Michele, but of my entire life.
We lost Michele suddenly and tragically, but she fought like hell right to the very end. When I heard her time was near, I started making dinner to center myself.
Nicole: [00:06:03] As I chopped vegetables and stirred quinoa, I wondered what the end is like, certainly for Michele in that moment but also for all of us. If there is another side, is there a deliberation as to whether we'll accept the invitation to the White Light Party? Or is that all bunk and you just fall asleep and next thing you know, you're a squirrel or a tree, or possibly one of my cats…giant, cute, constantly hungry and frequently asleep?
Do you get to choose that new life or is it predetermined? I checked the veggies in the oven and hoped everything we were hearing about Michele was wrong, and that I'd get to ask her these questions one day. At the same time, I worried that if she remained with us, she may not be able to live as vibrantly as she had and that this would crush her soul. I didn't want that for my friend who was full of life and love and beauty and spirit. After all, being amongst the living is not the same as being alive.
Michele passed when my dinner was ready. There were timers going off left and right. You were right, Zuzu. She was getting her wings.
Some say that death is an ending but that's only the case for those of us left behind. For Michele, and for all souls who pass on, I believe it's a new beginning.
Nicole: [00:07:30] And while her absence is palpable, I don't believe the world is a heavier place without her. I believe it's lighter because she was in it. I'll forever miss Michele, but she's always with me.
Feeling the grief and processing it in ways that felt right for me, in this case writing, was how I found my way to the other side. For all of you who are swimming in the depths of grief, hoping to surface, yet knowing this immersion is part of the process, I hope this brings you comfort and helps you feel less alone.
And I want you to know the souls you've lost are with you too. You may not feel it yet, but you will one day, and you too will feel lighter because of it.
Here For Me is produced by Lens Group Media in association with Tulla Productions. As is often said, it takes a village to make this podcast, and my deepest gratitude goes out to every person in that village: our producers Dave Nelson and Stacy Harris, our audio editor, JD Delgado, designer and illustrator Amy Senftleben, and our production assistant, Sarah Carefoot. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love it if you'd follow the show, rate, review, and share it with people you love. You can also follow me on Instagram at nicolejchristie. Until next time, thank you so much for listening—here's to you being here for you and to the power of choosing yourself.